Letter 4

Mom,

I looked at the date today and realized that we are getting pretty close to a month since you passed away. I feel like the days have just crawled by...not even a month now? I feel like we have all been in pain for much longer than that...and we kind of have been. I wonder if there is ever going to be a time where this doesn't seem some what surreal. I knew you were sick for a while; I knew you would most likely pass away in just a few short years; I knew it was time for you to be at peace, but when I think back on it all it still seems so surreal.

I talk about you when people ask, but other than that I do not speak of you too often, but I think about you all the time. So many things remind me of you or things we experienced together.

The other day I was driving to Norcross to meet a friend at lunch and I turned down the wrong road. I remembered when you would get lost with us to softball games and you would start crying. I remember thinking, "oh geez, here comes another melt down". Today it makes me realize how much you cared about us and our hobbies. You would get upset because you hate getting lost, of course, but also because you didn't want us to be late for anything. You would do absolutely anything for us and with a smile on your face. I hope to be that kind of mother one day....

I was joking around with Chase the other day and another memory of you flooded my brain. Crystal and I were in your room watching an ice skating competition and I was acting way too goofy. I kept going on and on about what if one of the ice skaters just ran into the wall. I couldn't stop laughing, which was making Crystal laugh, and making you try SO HARD not to laugh because I was obviously acting like a retard. I remember that face so clearly because I loved making you laugh. You finally stood up, picked up my backpack and proceeded to throw it down the stairs. Crystal and I were rolling on the ground laughing because I never thought you would really do it. You knew how to be a mom but a friend at the same time. I hope to be that kind of mother one day..

Speaking of never thinking you would really do it, I remember when you took me to the ground by my hair. I was so shocked and I will never forget what you said to me, "You may be stronger than me but that doesn't mean I can't bring you down". Thinking back on that day makes me smirk but, boy, were we both mad as hell at the time. Dad finally came home and told me I had to apologize. So I reluctantly apologized and you instantly started to cry and hug me telling me how sorry you were.  You were never scared to show me your true emotions and let me know you loved me. I hope to be that kind of mother one day...

Some days are better than others. Some days I find myself constantly drifting off in space. I can't even tell you everything I think about because it is so scattered. I remember coming home one weekend while you were sick. It was in between your first and second surgery and you were unable to say much of anything. I think by that point you were saying just a few words, but no sentences. We were both sitting at the kitchen table and I was drifting off in space, once again. I was wondering how the hell did this all happen to fast; what was the future going to bring; and will you ever be able to talk again? I guess you noticed the worry on my face because I felt your hand touch mine. I looked up at you and you squeezed my hand and looked straight into my eyes. You didn't say one word, but you didn't have to. That squeeze felt so good and you gave me a look that told me that "everything was going to fine". You could always read me so well and sometimes you didn't have to say a word to give me comfort. I hope to be that kind of mother one day...

I could go on and on about you because I could look at anything and think about you. You were such a big part of my life and I wasn't (and still not) ready for you to be gone. You were one of the healthiest people I knew. You drank so little, never smoked, worked out, kept up with your health, lived a happy and energetic life.....what happened? I don't think that question will ever get answered for me.

I will love you forever,

Stacey