Letter 2

Mom,
I dreamt of you last night. 99% of the time I never remember my dreams
but whenever I do you are in them. 2 Days before your death I dreamt
that you were back to normal sitting at the kitchen table talking and
laughing like nothing had ever happened. I remember sitting in
disbelief wanting to stop you and ask "how the hell are you talking
like this?!" but I didn't because I didn't want you to stop. It was
the most joy that I had felt in a long time, even if it was just a
dream. It was such a lovely dream until I woke up and I couldn't get
that dream out of my head. It seemed like all of a sudden my real life
was the nightmare and my dreams should have been real life. How does
that change so quickly?

Last night my dream wasn't as pleasant. I don't remember what it was
entirely about, but I do remember you were in it. You were laying in your bed
sick on a ventilator. I walked up the stairs to say hello but you were
fast asleep so i tip-toed back down. That is all I really remember about the whole dream except for the way I felt. I woke up crying a little bit and very restless. I hated seeing you so sick and helpless. It seems like recently I haven't wanted to wake up from a good or bad dream of you, because reality is still what it is.

You know, Heaven is such a great thought, but so unknown at the same time. I have recently been wrestling with these thoughts; whether Heaven is anything like we predict or where is it really that you go? Don't get me wrong, ultimately I do believe you are there, but it is so hard to believe something when you really have no sight in what you are believing. That has been my greatest struggle recently until I had a new thought and realization. How does science explain the grief and the connection that 2 souls can have? The raw emotions that come from life and death have no "scientific" explanation. You were real physically, but most of all you were real spiritually and only God can explain that.

Before I end this note I just want to tell you one more thing for today. The old friend that shared her emotional blog with me had an entry that really struck me. She said that she does not regret the pain and grief that she has gone through for the last few years because her dad was worth all that pain. She is so right, Mom. I don't want this pain to just "go away" and never have affected me because that means that you wouldn't have been a part of my life. You are worth every single tear and heartache. I so wish you were back here with us, but you're not and it is ok for me to be in pain. You were so worth it in the end.

I will love you forever,

Stacey