Half Marathon

Good Morning Mom!

Tomorrow is my first half marathon... 13 miles of non stop running...ugh. This is the first big goal I will be tackling without you here in my life. I am not worried about the run itself, because the worst thing that will happen is I start walking, ha...oh well! The thing that I am not looking forward to is not being able to call you and tell you how I did. This run is for you and because of you. When I had started to hit rock bottom (when you started to go downhill quickly), I was sick of the way I felt. I wasn't healthy, I had no goals, and I worried every single day for you. I finally decided back in October that enough is enough. I was going to get off my ass and strive towards something again. That is when I had the bright idea to train for a half marathon! It was slow in the beginning and I trained but not to my full potential. The next few days after your death hit my hard and that is the worst I had felt in a long time. I was gaining weight quickly, depressed most days, neglecting my feelings, and shutting out the world slowly. I finally told JT that I was giving up sweets and really dedicating myself to this run.

It has been about 2 months since that committment and I feel 10x better already. Every day that I feel like I am struggling through my workout I think of you. I think about how much I would love to see you running yourself. Every step I take is another stride to recovery. I know you would be/ are proud of me because you never made that a secret. I know the love and support you would be giving me right now and I guess that is why I miss it so much. I don't want to just "remember" it; I want to feel it, see it, experience it.

I have realized that this sadness is almost 100% impossible to understand unless you have lost your loved one. The pain that you go through is too intense to even imagine what it would be like. I know this because before you got sick I remember saying "I don't know what I would do if my mom died", and I was being completely honest. Being in this moment today shows me that I really didn't have a clue what this feeling would be like and how I could ever get through it. Honestly, I still don't know how I get through some days... God's Grace I imagine.

Well.. look down on me tomorrow and say a little prayer for me. Not to finish the race, but to be humbled and at peace once I finish it and you are not there. I don't think I could possibly miss someone more than I miss you.

I will love you forever,

Stacey

Valentine

Mom,

It has been a little while since I last wrote to you. Things have been getting slowly better with time but I still miss you as much as I did a month and a half ago. People are right when they say the pain doesn't go away; you just learn to deal with the pain as time goes on. My heart aches knowing that I will forever hurt from your loss, but like I said in an earlier letter, you were and are so worth it.

Today is Valentine's Day. JT woke up very early to surprise me with breakfast in bed. He truly makes me feel loved, but you already know that. I got some little things for Dad and Chase. I can't possibly replace the love you showed them, but I am trying to atleast let them know that there is still love there. I got Chase some candy because...well...the kid has every he needs already...except a mom. The one thing he doesn't have is the one thing I can never give him.

Dad is traveling for work today, which I think ended up being a blessing in disguise. He struggles every day without you here, but it has to be extra hard on Valentine's Day. Last year he was a bit upset because for the first time you did not get him a card....this year he just wishes you were here. It makes me extremely sad to think of this day for him, because I know how loved JT makes me feel and I know thats all Dad wants, as well. Never in my life did I think I would feel this guilty for having JT in my life. It is hard knowing that Dad is almost going through this by himself, because I don't know where I would be without JT here supporting me through every step.

I feel like myself a little more everyday. I didn't really realize how far I had gotten off path until I finally started to heal. Looking back on it, there were a few months where nothing really sounded good to me. I felt lost and contemplated the meaning of life on more than one occassion. The "little" things in life felt stupid and I felt I needed to start living my life in a bigger more "meaningful" way. This is not all bad, but when you start thinking this way all you think about is how your life really has no worth at this moment and that I wasn't taking enough advantage of the life I had been given. This was just sooo wrong on so many levels. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe we should strive to be better every day, but I had so much in my life that was not "stupid". Going and taking a hike, or playing golf, or going to dinner, or even going out and having a drink is not stupid. It is living your life and enjoying the things around you. I needed to stop over analyzing life and just start enjoying it again. There was a time where I just didn't show JT the love he deserved and that is what finally made me shake out of it. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and he needed to feel that love from me everyday. Instead, I was stuck in my own world and I neglected him. I finally sat back and thought, "What would mom tell me right now? What advice would she give me?".... well I knew my answer right away and I can just hear you saying it now. You would tell me to stop over analyzing everything and change something if you don't like it. Stop thinking about it all day, and just do it. Start loving your husband more and just LIVE LIFE...don't just think about how I should live it, actually do it.

I so wish I could actually hear that advice come from you directly, but I know I need to accept reality. People always say, "She will always be with you" but I don't think they even know what they mean when they say that. It is just he "nice" thing to say when there is really nothing else they can say. What is ironic about this, though, is that you REALLY are still with me. I know this because I feel you with me....

I will love you forever,

Stacey

Letter 5

Mom,

A month has come and gone and I am continuing to hang in there. Living at home is still going pretty well. I am glad I am here and I am glad that I am able to help around the house. I continue to believe that moving up here to work at Northside was completely the right decision. You were right when you said we would be alright because we have each other, but we will never be whole again. I keep thinking about everything that you will miss out on, but in reality I think I am saddened because it is really what WE will be missing out on now that you arent here to experience it with us.

We have continued to receive support from various neighbors and friends. They have been so good to us. They know that you would have returned that favor and more if they were going through this situation instead of us. You still continue to spread your love and generosity through these individuals and I am so grateful for their kindness.

I have started to become much more stable and rarely have outbursts of tears, but I still feel the pain and it comes in waves. It is not that I don't want to cry, but the tears just wont come anymore...

I have learned more about Dad in these past few years than my whole life put together. I know now why you fell in love with him so many years ago. He was absolutely devoted to you and took care of you the best he possibly could. He is smart in so many aspects of his life; book smart, financially smart, house smart, handyman smart, rationally smart. The one thing I never fully saw before was his heart, though. As you know, he isnt the best with showing, dealing, or expressing his emotions. I never fully understood this part of him until you got sick. You had him wrapped around your finger and he loved you so much. There are so many ups and downs of marriage and it takes a lot of effort and patience to make one work. You 2 were such a great example for us and I am so thankful that I grew up around a solid foundation. You were a great mom.

I missed you yesterday, I miss you today, and I will miss you tomorrow. You learn to deal with the pain as time goes on, but the pain never goes away.

I will love you forever,

Stacey

Letter 4

Mom,

I looked at the date today and realized that we are getting pretty close to a month since you passed away. I feel like the days have just crawled by...not even a month now? I feel like we have all been in pain for much longer than that...and we kind of have been. I wonder if there is ever going to be a time where this doesn't seem some what surreal. I knew you were sick for a while; I knew you would most likely pass away in just a few short years; I knew it was time for you to be at peace, but when I think back on it all it still seems so surreal.

I talk about you when people ask, but other than that I do not speak of you too often, but I think about you all the time. So many things remind me of you or things we experienced together.

The other day I was driving to Norcross to meet a friend at lunch and I turned down the wrong road. I remembered when you would get lost with us to softball games and you would start crying. I remember thinking, "oh geez, here comes another melt down". Today it makes me realize how much you cared about us and our hobbies. You would get upset because you hate getting lost, of course, but also because you didn't want us to be late for anything. You would do absolutely anything for us and with a smile on your face. I hope to be that kind of mother one day....

I was joking around with Chase the other day and another memory of you flooded my brain. Crystal and I were in your room watching an ice skating competition and I was acting way too goofy. I kept going on and on about what if one of the ice skaters just ran into the wall. I couldn't stop laughing, which was making Crystal laugh, and making you try SO HARD not to laugh because I was obviously acting like a retard. I remember that face so clearly because I loved making you laugh. You finally stood up, picked up my backpack and proceeded to throw it down the stairs. Crystal and I were rolling on the ground laughing because I never thought you would really do it. You knew how to be a mom but a friend at the same time. I hope to be that kind of mother one day..

Speaking of never thinking you would really do it, I remember when you took me to the ground by my hair. I was so shocked and I will never forget what you said to me, "You may be stronger than me but that doesn't mean I can't bring you down". Thinking back on that day makes me smirk but, boy, were we both mad as hell at the time. Dad finally came home and told me I had to apologize. So I reluctantly apologized and you instantly started to cry and hug me telling me how sorry you were.  You were never scared to show me your true emotions and let me know you loved me. I hope to be that kind of mother one day...

Some days are better than others. Some days I find myself constantly drifting off in space. I can't even tell you everything I think about because it is so scattered. I remember coming home one weekend while you were sick. It was in between your first and second surgery and you were unable to say much of anything. I think by that point you were saying just a few words, but no sentences. We were both sitting at the kitchen table and I was drifting off in space, once again. I was wondering how the hell did this all happen to fast; what was the future going to bring; and will you ever be able to talk again? I guess you noticed the worry on my face because I felt your hand touch mine. I looked up at you and you squeezed my hand and looked straight into my eyes. You didn't say one word, but you didn't have to. That squeeze felt so good and you gave me a look that told me that "everything was going to fine". You could always read me so well and sometimes you didn't have to say a word to give me comfort. I hope to be that kind of mother one day...

I could go on and on about you because I could look at anything and think about you. You were such a big part of my life and I wasn't (and still not) ready for you to be gone. You were one of the healthiest people I knew. You drank so little, never smoked, worked out, kept up with your health, lived a happy and energetic life.....what happened? I don't think that question will ever get answered for me.

I will love you forever,

Stacey

Letter 3

Hey Mom,

This weekend was a little better than some other weekends. I have been surrounded by some great people who have really reached out to me. I had lunch with 3 different friends this weekend who help get my mind of the bad things and back on the good things. I actually love talking to them about you sometimes. They have some good and funny memories of you, which make me miss you like crazy but put a smile on my face at the same time. I still every once in a while think about how it would be if you just walked through the door and came down the stairs. I play it out in my head and it is such an amazing feeling for those few seconds before I realize that I am just being crazy again. I try not to think of things like that because it makes me 10x sadder when I realize that a scenerio like that will never happen and I need to stop fooling myself.

Eli is getting big. He is such a bundle of joy and I know how much you would love him right now and how you would cuddle, tickle, and play with him. Crystal is a really good mom, but I know you knew that from day 1. She misses you alot and I know she feels like she has lost a best friend and mom. I admire her strength, though, because she gets herself to snap out of it and remember to keep living life. It is hard sometimes to live life knowing you are not here, but life is going to keep going if we decide to be a part of it or not. I then think about what you would be saying down from heaven right now. I know that you would say the same think and want to see us keep going and find peace. Honestly, that is why I have put so much effort into it, because I know it is what you would have wanted.

I still worry for Dad at times. He seems to be going in the right direction but he just isn't normal without you here. He is putting up his best fight but I can see that it defeats him some days, which is expected. He is having a hard time finding a life without you in it; he doesn't know how to find it because his whole life has been with you pratically. We will continue to follow and help him as much as possible. I know that God is walking with him but I hope that He is putting a little extra effort in Dad right now because he needs it. He misses you.... we all miss you...

I hold on to knowing that I will see you again one day.

I will love you forever,

Stacey

Letter 2

Mom,
I dreamt of you last night. 99% of the time I never remember my dreams
but whenever I do you are in them. 2 Days before your death I dreamt
that you were back to normal sitting at the kitchen table talking and
laughing like nothing had ever happened. I remember sitting in
disbelief wanting to stop you and ask "how the hell are you talking
like this?!" but I didn't because I didn't want you to stop. It was
the most joy that I had felt in a long time, even if it was just a
dream. It was such a lovely dream until I woke up and I couldn't get
that dream out of my head. It seemed like all of a sudden my real life
was the nightmare and my dreams should have been real life. How does
that change so quickly?

Last night my dream wasn't as pleasant. I don't remember what it was
entirely about, but I do remember you were in it. You were laying in your bed
sick on a ventilator. I walked up the stairs to say hello but you were
fast asleep so i tip-toed back down. That is all I really remember about the whole dream except for the way I felt. I woke up crying a little bit and very restless. I hated seeing you so sick and helpless. It seems like recently I haven't wanted to wake up from a good or bad dream of you, because reality is still what it is.

You know, Heaven is such a great thought, but so unknown at the same time. I have recently been wrestling with these thoughts; whether Heaven is anything like we predict or where is it really that you go? Don't get me wrong, ultimately I do believe you are there, but it is so hard to believe something when you really have no sight in what you are believing. That has been my greatest struggle recently until I had a new thought and realization. How does science explain the grief and the connection that 2 souls can have? The raw emotions that come from life and death have no "scientific" explanation. You were real physically, but most of all you were real spiritually and only God can explain that.

Before I end this note I just want to tell you one more thing for today. The old friend that shared her emotional blog with me had an entry that really struck me. She said that she does not regret the pain and grief that she has gone through for the last few years because her dad was worth all that pain. She is so right, Mom. I don't want this pain to just "go away" and never have affected me because that means that you wouldn't have been a part of my life. You are worth every single tear and heartache. I so wish you were back here with us, but you're not and it is ok for me to be in pain. You were so worth it in the end.

I will love you forever,

Stacey

Calcified

Hey Mom,
December 23 feels like yesterday to me still. I can feel, hear, smell the actual moment
and I relive it in my head often. It isn’t because I want to; I just can’t help but think about
it. I will be honest, by the last few weeks of your life I though it would just be better
if you passed on because it was not earthly life for you anymore and I couldn’t stand
watching Dad and Chase watch you suffer. After coming to peace about this thought I
thought that I had pretty much prepared myself for your death. However, as you struggled
for breath those last few moments my heart sank so far that I thought I was going to be
sick. Every time you skipped a breath I was praying to God to give you another breath,
give you more time…
Your death was not what I expected. It was a pretty traumatic moment for me and the
second you took your last breath old memories flooded my brain. Old memories that I
thought I had lost for a while because you had been sick for so long that I started to forget
the old you at times. I was so mad at myself for that; to be “used” to the way you were
near the end. Looking back at it now, I think it was just me unconsciously blocking those
memories out for a while. I had convinced myself that as long as you were here then it is
ok that we can’t have it “all”. You were here and I would take whatever I got. In order for
myself to accept this concept I started to block out the old you and start to accept the new
you. At one point, I thought I had lost many old characteristics of you and could only
remember the sickness. I was reassured the second you died that that was not the case. I
remember everything about you, and it has brought me back 1,000 steps in the grieving
process. Either that or I never really let myself grieve. I am not sure which one it is to be
honest, all I know is that I feel calcified at this point.
Mom, JT doesn’t always understand me and I feel so bad for that, but I don’t even
understand myself anymore. I do not know how to open up to him because sometimes
I won’t even open up to myself. One thing I have discovered is that grief affects you in
areas of your life that you don’t even realize. I want to be my old self again, but I know
in order to be that way you need to be here. Your death has changed me and I know I will
never go back wholly. In some ways it is good I guess, but in some ways it just isn’t. I
used to look at the future with arms wide open and so excited. I am still optimistic, but
there is always going to be some dread now. I want you here, to see, to cheer, to be my
fan when new things happen.
As I write this first letter I wonder if you will ever see or read them. Will God give you
eyes to parts of this earth? Either way, I will continue to write to you, because if there
is any slight hope that you do see these I want to take advantage of it. A very old friend
shared her blog with me that she has been writing in for 2 years. She lost her father in a
car accident and her struggles along the way have been documented. I have decided to do
this, as well, but I don’t care if anyone sees this. I just hope that somehow you are.