Good Morning Mom!
Tomorrow is my first half marathon... 13 miles of non stop running...ugh. This is the first big goal I will be tackling without you here in my life. I am not worried about the run itself, because the worst thing that will happen is I start walking, ha...oh well! The thing that I am not looking forward to is not being able to call you and tell you how I did. This run is for you and because of you. When I had started to hit rock bottom (when you started to go downhill quickly), I was sick of the way I felt. I wasn't healthy, I had no goals, and I worried every single day for you. I finally decided back in October that enough is enough. I was going to get off my ass and strive towards something again. That is when I had the bright idea to train for a half marathon! It was slow in the beginning and I trained but not to my full potential. The next few days after your death hit my hard and that is the worst I had felt in a long time. I was gaining weight quickly, depressed most days, neglecting my feelings, and shutting out the world slowly. I finally told JT that I was giving up sweets and really dedicating myself to this run.
It has been about 2 months since that committment and I feel 10x better already. Every day that I feel like I am struggling through my workout I think of you. I think about how much I would love to see you running yourself. Every step I take is another stride to recovery. I know you would be/ are proud of me because you never made that a secret. I know the love and support you would be giving me right now and I guess that is why I miss it so much. I don't want to just "remember" it; I want to feel it, see it, experience it.
I have realized that this sadness is almost 100% impossible to understand unless you have lost your loved one. The pain that you go through is too intense to even imagine what it would be like. I know this because before you got sick I remember saying "I don't know what I would do if my mom died", and I was being completely honest. Being in this moment today shows me that I really didn't have a clue what this feeling would be like and how I could ever get through it. Honestly, I still don't know how I get through some days... God's Grace I imagine.
Well.. look down on me tomorrow and say a little prayer for me. Not to finish the race, but to be humbled and at peace once I finish it and you are not there. I don't think I could possibly miss someone more than I miss you.
I will love you forever,
Stacey
