Mom,
It has been a little while since I last wrote to you. Things have been getting slowly better with time but I still miss you as much as I did a month and a half ago. People are right when they say the pain doesn't go away; you just learn to deal with the pain as time goes on. My heart aches knowing that I will forever hurt from your loss, but like I said in an earlier letter, you were and are so worth it.
Today is Valentine's Day. JT woke up very early to surprise me with breakfast in bed. He truly makes me feel loved, but you already know that. I got some little things for Dad and Chase. I can't possibly replace the love you showed them, but I am trying to atleast let them know that there is still love there. I got Chase some candy because...well...the kid has every he needs already...except a mom. The one thing he doesn't have is the one thing I can never give him.
Dad is traveling for work today, which I think ended up being a blessing in disguise. He struggles every day without you here, but it has to be extra hard on Valentine's Day. Last year he was a bit upset because for the first time you did not get him a card....this year he just wishes you were here. It makes me extremely sad to think of this day for him, because I know how loved JT makes me feel and I know thats all Dad wants, as well. Never in my life did I think I would feel this guilty for having JT in my life. It is hard knowing that Dad is almost going through this by himself, because I don't know where I would be without JT here supporting me through every step.
I feel like myself a little more everyday. I didn't really realize how far I had gotten off path until I finally started to heal. Looking back on it, there were a few months where nothing really sounded good to me. I felt lost and contemplated the meaning of life on more than one occassion. The "little" things in life felt stupid and I felt I needed to start living my life in a bigger more "meaningful" way. This is not all bad, but when you start thinking this way all you think about is how your life really has no worth at this moment and that I wasn't taking enough advantage of the life I had been given. This was just sooo wrong on so many levels. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe we should strive to be better every day, but I had so much in my life that was not "stupid". Going and taking a hike, or playing golf, or going to dinner, or even going out and having a drink is not stupid. It is living your life and enjoying the things around you. I needed to stop over analyzing life and just start enjoying it again. There was a time where I just didn't show JT the love he deserved and that is what finally made me shake out of it. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and he needed to feel that love from me everyday. Instead, I was stuck in my own world and I neglected him. I finally sat back and thought, "What would mom tell me right now? What advice would she give me?".... well I knew my answer right away and I can just hear you saying it now. You would tell me to stop over analyzing everything and change something if you don't like it. Stop thinking about it all day, and just do it. Start loving your husband more and just LIVE LIFE...don't just think about how I should live it, actually do it.
I so wish I could actually hear that advice come from you directly, but I know I need to accept reality. People always say, "She will always be with you" but I don't think they even know what they mean when they say that. It is just he "nice" thing to say when there is really nothing else they can say. What is ironic about this, though, is that you REALLY are still with me. I know this because I feel you with me....
I will love you forever,
Stacey
